


My Whole Heart Is By Your Side (Can't Live Without You)

by fuyuto



Category: NCT (Band), Without You - NCT U (Music Video)
Genre: Alternate Universe: Without You MV, Angst, Anxiety, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Depression, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Platonic!Doil, Platonic!Dojae, Social Anxiety, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, mild alcoholism, or whatever their ship name is because hell if i know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-01-05 07:36:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12185736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuyuto/pseuds/fuyuto
Summary: The heart wants what the heart wants.





	1. Chapter 1

Doyoung steps in front of the mirror and examines himself one more time. It seems like much, really; all he needed to do was dress casually for his date tonight, yet here he was still stressing out over how he looked! He wore an oversized, short-sleeved red plaid shirt over a white turtleneck sweater. He also had dark skinny jeans on and a new pair of white sneakers. His copper hair falls delicately over his eyelashes, brushing the strands out of the way in response. Doyoung takes in deep breaths to reassure himself that, yes, he looks fine as he is, but also  _why did you put in so much time for a simple date_ _?_

He jumps slightly at the sound of someone knocking against the doorframe of his room. Doyoung turns around to see Jaehyun, one of the people he shares his apartment with. His dark brown hair is sticking out in different places. "What're you dressed so nice for?" he asks as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes, his voice a few octaves lower than usual.

Doyoung pretends to fix the collar of his turtleneck to avoid the awkwardness he's starting to feel, "I've got a date tonight, remember?"

"Oh," he stills for a moment, "right. Of course, I remember now."

Doyoung reaches down to grab his phone, sliding it into his back pocket. "Are you feeling any better?"

The younger groans at the question. "Not really." He sighs, "I don't even know what I did for me to end up feeling this horrible."

"I think you should take it easy on the vodka next time," Doyoung suggests, giving the other a small yet warm smile. "I really hate seeing you like this, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know," Jaehyun replies, slouching a little. "I'm gonna go back in my room and wait for Taeil to get off of work."

Doyoung looks in the mirror to fix his hair once more, "Mhm, alright. Get a lot of rest while I'm out, please."

Just as he finished that sentence, he heard the doorbell ring. "Ah, that must be her." He strides for the door, "I'll be back in a few hours!" He exits the room and heads for the front door. Jaehyun can hear faint conversation, but it's nothing he can really pick up on. He drags himself back into his own room, collapsing onto the bed. He pulls the blanket to his left closer to his chest, and falls back into sleep's inviting embrace within seconds.

\---

Taeil stands at the counter, watching over the barely empty diner. He huffs out a sigh as he looks down at his watch. 8:04 PM, it reads. Only another hour before he's able to go back home and get some well-deserved sleep. He wipes the counter for the nth time as his eyes wander over to the elderly couple at the far end of the room.

Suddenly, the chime of a bell is heard, drawing Taeil's attention to the door, where Doyoung and a cute girl with golden blonde hair are. She's got an arm around him, both of them laughing as they walk into the diner. Doyoung catches Taeil's eye and instantly smiles, guiding the girl with him to the counter. The latter returns the smile back at both of them.

"Didn't expect to see you here!" he greets them with a cheerful tone, "What can I get you guys?"

The two of them both look up to the menu hanging above Taeil's head, contemplating what to order. He watches as Doyoung and the girl converse with each other, but as he's doing so he realizes something rather... let’s say, inconvenient. His gaze begins to settle on mystery girl, as he studies her features and her expressions. And the longer he does it, the more he's convinced of the identity of the woman standing in front of him.

He pulls out of his thoughts just in time to catch their orders. He writes the order down on a tiny notepad, looking back up to give a small smile to both of them. He rushes into the kitchen as the couple finds a table to sit at. While he's cooking, Taeil can't seem to shake the thought out of his head. The thought that the girl was someone from his childhood that he thought he'd lost forever. It just seemed too good to be true that he'd find her in the diner, of all places.

And unfortunately alongside Doyoung, of all people.

Here's the thing: the problem with this is not necessarily Doyoung. Taeil's had no major issues with him since he moved into his and Jaehyun's apartment. He barely paid it any mind when Doyoung eagerly told him about the date he was going to be going on earlier that week. However, if he'd known that said date was actually with the girl he had an intense case of unrequited feelings for back in primary school, well, let's just say that conversation would've ended _much_ more differently. Once he began to recognize the girl, the tsunami of repressed thoughts and emotions came rolling in without warning. It started to feel as if he was still that small, young kid, sharing secrets with a smaller, younger version of her.

He delivers their food to them within minutes. However, his mind doesn't seem to fully process that it's even happening. Maybe it's because he's still distracted by the thoughts racing through his head, or by the suddenly loud thudding of his heart. How could he have managed to lose so much control of himself within such a short amount of time? It's most likely a question he'll never be able to truly-- or fully-- answer to content. So he retreats into the kitchen, sinking himself down the wall, exhaling a breath he didn't know he was holding in.

\---

Doyoung and the girl decide to wait for Taeil to close up the diner and walk back to the apartment together. Doyoung finally introduces her to him. "Hyeri, Taeil. Taeil, Hyeri," he hears Doyoung say. Even though he doesn't know that he already knows her name. They walk together, among the low buzzing of the streets, cars passing by every once in a while. They create small talk, sharing personal details about one another as a way to pass the time as they approach the complex building, climbing up the stairs to the second story. They all walk down to the farthest end of the building. Taeil struggles a bit to find his keys, to which Hyeri quietly giggles from behind him. Once he's got the door open, he steps inside first, switching on the light in the tiny living room.

He turns around to face Doyoung and Hyeri. "Make yourselves at home, I'm gonna go check in on Jaehyun."

They nod, heading over to the couch as Taeil walks down the dimly lit hallway to Jaehyun's bedroom. He knocks first before entering, being careful not to be too loud in case he unintentionally wakes him up from his sleep. Taeil walks into the room, slowly closing the door behind him. He approaches the side of the bed Jaehyun's facing, squatting down to be at eye-level with the younger man. His hand comes up to gently shake Jaehyun awake. The younger man gradually opens his eyes, slowly blinking at Taeil. As he fully comes to his senses, he gives the latter a sleepy smile. "You're home," he finally says.

"Yes," Taeil can't stop the smile that begins to form on his face, "I'm home. How are you feeling?"

Jaehyun sighs as he feels Taeil's hand pet his hair. "I feel a little better," he says, his voice slightly muffled now from half his face being buried in his pillow. He shifts, lifting his head up to getting a better look at Taeil, "How was work?"

Taeil immediately smiles again. "It was good, actually! Doyoung stopped by the diner almost before closing time." He hears Jaehyun hum in response, "He also had his date there with him-"

Jaehyun freezes as he hears the words leave Taeil's mouth. He's not entirely sure why, since he doesn't know what correlation the girl Doyoung took out has with Taeil. But it's as if the universe is hearing his thoughts, because his question is answered almost immediately after.

"-and I think it's her, Jaehyunnie."

That's all he needs to hear. Hell, he probably could've been told using less words and he'd understand. Taeil had talked about Hyeri one time when he accidentally drunk a little more than he'd hoped to. He had confessed his feelings to Hyeri when they were both children, but she was moving to a private school farther away from where his hometown was. So even if she reciprocated the feelings back, it was unlikely anything were to come from it under those circumstances. The whole ordeal must've messed him up pretty bad, Jaehyun thinks, because he was left hushing and comforting a violently sobbing Taeil after hearing him talk about how she had meant the entire universe to him.

Jaehyun pulls himself out of his thoughts and props himself up on his forearm, still looking at the other. "Are you sure?" he asks in a hushed tone.

Taeil only nods, a smile forming across his lips again. His eyes look so hopeful, it's beautiful. But it's hard for Jaehyun to revel in his beauty now, because now-- more than ever-- the likelihood of him being able to properly tell Taeil about his feelings for him had dropped a dangerous percentage. It was damn well near impossible, now that Hyeri was back in the picture. At the same time, he realized that she and Doyoung may turn into something more serious in the nearby future. Which also meant that Taeil would most likely have to face the painful truth that she's moved on, which doesn't seem to entail any good either.

But all Jaehyun can do in that moment is give Taeil a weak smile as he begins to feel his nose sting and his eyes well with tears. And before he's aware of it he's sniffling, trying his hardest not to start crying right there on the spot. Regardless, though, Taeil notices the sudden change in the younger's expression, moving the hand from his hair to his cheek, running his thumb along Jaehyun's face to push away the tears beginning to fall from his left eye.

He hears Taeil shush him as he closes his eyes, trying to calm his breathing. "What's wrong, Jaehyunnie? You never really get like this..." And he's right. Jaehyun never really gets so emotional to the point where he starts crying in front of people, especially the people he's closest to. But he can't help it; he feels so vulnerable and helpless at this point, it feels like it's physically tearing him apart.

The younger brings his own hand to his face to wipe the tears falling from the other eye. "It's nothing, really." He tries to reassure, yet he can't help himself from silently crying again. He looks down, away from Taeil's gaze in an attempt to calm himself down.

It doesn't work.

Taeil's still shushing and cooing at him, doing his best to soothe the other. "I guess it wouldn't help at all to mention that they're both in the living room right now, huh?" he asks, a tone of guilt suddenly recognizable in his voice. Jaehyun just shakes his head. "I think it'd be good to meet her at least. Just say hi and then you can go back to sleep. I'll come back into the room after, okay?"

Jaehyun sniffles a little more again, then nods. He slowly sits up in the bed, running a hand through his hair to try and tame it. Taeil still watches him, eyes glistening with worry and a hint of compassion, one of the many things Jaehyun's come to genuinely appreciate about the other. Jaehyun turns, his legs slightly hanging off the side of the bed. He slowly stands up, grabbing a tissue from the nightstand and blowing out his nose before throwing it away in the trash bin next to it. He shuffles over to the bedroom door, tentatively turning the doorknob to open it. He exits into the hallway first, Taeil follows behind him quietly with a hand on one of his shoulders, subtly guiding him into the living room.

\---

While they were waiting for Taeil to come back out, Doyoung and Hyeri spent time getting to know each other better. So far, what Doyoung's gathered about her includes the facts that she's currently studying philosophy in college, has around 4 cats at her house, and is unhealthily obsessed with classical music. As for Hyeri, she's found out that Doyoung is currently studying philosophy, too, and enjoys tormenting and teasing his roommates at every opportunity he can. It was a cute conversation, really. Unfortunately for them, it was cut short when they heard a door open and footsteps approaching where the both of them sat.

"Guys," they hear Taeil call from behind Jaehyun, who still appears to be in sleep mode, "This is Jaehyun. He's also living in this apartment with us. He's kinda sick right now though, so I don't wanna keep him out of his bedroom for long until he gets better."

Hyeri lets out a small "ahhh" in response. “It’s nice to meet you,” she calmly says. “Hope you feel better soon.”

Jaehyun's gaze falls on Hyeri, and he lets a small smile form on his lips. "Thank you," he replies, barely audible. He turns around to look at Taeil, trying to signal with his eyes that he wants to go back. Suddenly, Taeil's guiding the younger back down the hallway into his bedroom.

Doyoung and Hyeri watch them as they walk down the hallway, only looking back at each other once they've gone far enough away for them not to be heard. "I think I should be getting back home now," she says, sighing, "I've gotta feed my cats."

They both chuckle at that. "Yeah, that'd be a good idea," Doyoung adds in. They both stand up from the couch and make their way to the door. Hyeri pulls a paper out of her pocket, then turns around and holds it out in front of him. He looks down at her hand, confused for a moment, then takes the paper from her. He looks at her once he reads it and realizes what it is: her phone number. "Did you have this in your pocket the whole night?"

Hyeri giggles, "Yeah, I did. I had to be prepared beforehand, y'know?" She looks up at Doyoung, smiling. "Call me sometime," is what she says before she tiptoes up and plants a peck on his cheek. She smiles up at him, then turns around to open the door. Doyoung can only watch as she lets herself out of the apartment, blushing too hard and in too much shock to know what to do with himself.

Doyoung turns around after standing there for what seems like forever, to find Taeil looking at him with a neutral expression. He smiles when he looks at him, "I think it's her, hyung."

Taeil can't help but feel a small part of his heart shatter into pieces. Of course Hyeri made Doyoung feel that way, she does that to everyone she meets. But Taeil can't say that, so he just returns the smile and says, "I hope she is," in hopes that the younger doesn't notice the way his facade is quietly breaking


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been like four? months since I last updated this fic,,, I'm so sorry y'all I would've posted a new chapter sooner if I wasn't bombarded with school and writer's block aha,, but here it is! Hope you enjoy!

Jaehyun awakens the next morning to the sun beginning to shining through his curtains. He blinks several times, tossing around till he realizes there's a hollow space where somebody was just hours before. He tries to recall everything that happened last night. He remembers Doyoung going out earlier during the day, and Taeil coming into his room when it was already dark. And then he remembers crying in front of Taeil, and a wave of embarrassment rushes through him.

Then there's a feeling of helplessness. He needs to know what to do and who to talk to everything about, knowing well he can't handle his emotions on his own. He turns again, thinking of the things he could do to relieve himself of this anxiety. _Maybe I should talk to Doyoung, he could help... But what if he thinks I'm being selfish for trying to make Taeil forget about Hyeri and get together with me instead?_ He frowns at the thought, _I'm getting nowhere with this_.

He slowly slides out from under his fluffy blankets, walking through the hall and into the apartment's small dining area. He sees Doyoung in front of the gas stove, cooking what seems to be eggs, based on the scent. He pulls out a chair and plops himself down at the dining table, resting his face on his palm and his elbow on the smooth, wooden surface. Doyoung senses Jaehyun's in the room with him, and turns around to see his friend's disheveled, sleepy figure just a few feet away from him. "Good morning, sunshine," he greets while turning back to his eggs.

Jaehyun groans in response. He's still messed up from his hangover, so it's expected that he wouldn't be in the best mood. He looks out onto their tiny balcony. It displays a view of tall skyscrapers, billboard advertisements adorning some. The sun peaks in from the west, swirling the dark blues of the night sky into warm tones of orange and yellow.

"Uh... hello?" Doyoung is standing in front of Jaehyun, holding two plates of food in each hand. He sets one of them down on his side of the table, waving his now free hand in front of the younger's face. "Earth to Jaehyun?"

Jaehyun flinches a little, then looks up at Doyoung once he comes to. "Sorry, hyung. Was thinking about something."

Doyoung places the other plate of food in front of the younger. "I could tell," he replies while walking to his seat.

Silence falls over them while they eat. Jaehyun's still playing with the idea of telling Doyoung about Taeil. But would it even be the appropriate time to? He just brought Hyeri home last night-- even if she was there for an hour or so-- wouldn't it be weird to bring up the fact that you've got a crush on your best friend who's in love with your other best friend's potential girlfriend? _Oh god what if he gets angry?_ He doesn't want this to cause Doyoung or Taeil to hate each other, let alone hate _him_.

"Doyoung?" Jaehyun can feel every atom in his body begin to light up. His body tenses up while his limbs start trembling. He looks everywhere except where the elder sits. He can't even eat to distract himself, fearing he could unconsciously choke on his food while trying to do so.

"Hm? Is something bothering you?"

"Hyung, there's something I need to talk to you about-" he looks down at his lap, "-but I'm afraid you might resent me for it."

Doyoung's expression changes, his mouth forming a slight frown. "Hey, you know I could never resent you, right? I mean, unless you do something immoral, or illegal-- you get what I mean. Tell me what's on your mind."

Jaehyun closes his eyes, inhaling sharply. He opens them and looks back up, making eye contact with Doyoung. "I... I have feelings for someone."

"You've got a crush?" The elder asks. Jaehyun nods. "Okay... what are they like?"

He freezes. _Should I be honest about this?_ Jaehyun wonders if he’ll regret this later. "They're really sweet," he smiles as he remembers Taeil, "like, tooth-rottingly sweet. And they always listen to my troubles and worries and they don't make my problems feel like a burden to them. They have trouble showing their own emotions sometimes, but it's okay, because I love him all the same.” He starts to choke up in the middle of it. “But it's difficult sometimes because I don't wanna ruin our friendship, the way it is right now. He really means a lot to me, and I can't afford to lose him--"

"Wait. Sorry, but-" Doyoung interrupts him mid-sentence, "You said 'he'."

"Huh?” He sniffles, “No I didn't."

"Yeah, you did." Doyoung gives Jaehyun a trusting smile, "Don't worry about it, I was kind of aware that you weren't--"

"Doyoung!" Jaehyun exclaims. The elder laughs for a few seconds, clearly amused by how gullible his friend was. "Promise you won't tell Tae-" Jaehyun stops himself. His eyes widen as he realizes he almost let it slip.

"Don’t tell who? Taeil? How come?"

 _Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck._ He should've been more careful, "Because... last time I told him I thought someone was cute he wouldn't stop teasing me about it."

Doyoung tries to recall for a couple of seconds. "Ah, okay. I won't tell him," he reassures calmly, "But he's gonna find out about your little crush eventually. He always does, somehow."

 

Jaehyun begins to feel himself zoning out in the middle of his study session with his friends: Taeyong, the oldest and the parental figure of their group; Ten, who’s originally from Thailand but moved to South Korea to try out as a backup dancer for a famous entertainment company; Sicheng, Jaehyun’s shy and soft-spoken classmate in college; and finally, Mark, who moved from Canada a few years ago and is about to graduate from high school in February. Jaehyun’s got his mind stuck on Taeil (again) while trying to write his psych paper draft, which is due in approximately 12 hours. He contemplates if he should tell his friends here about Taeil too, since it’s not as likely they’ll rat him out to anyone. So he does just that.

“Hey guys, you know Taeil, right?”

Taeyong’s the first to raise his head from his notes. “Yeah, you talk about him almost every time we get together, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun turns a faint pink at Taeyong’s statement. “Oh…”

“Don’t get me wrong! He seems like a nice guy and all, but I’m just wondering why you bring him up so often.” Ten and Mark lift their heads up too, and face their attention to Jaehyun.

“Aha… see about that-”

“Dude, oh my god. Are you sucking his dick?” Ten asks a little louder than he’d like.

“What? No, I’m not sucking anybody’s dick I just-”

“Are you guys dating?” Now Mark begins to ask questions.

“No! Oh my god let me just- I just like the guy okay?!”

Sicheng leans toward Jaehyun from his right side, quietly asking, “You mean like… as a friend? Because I thought that was already obvious.”

Jaehyun lets out a heavy sigh. “No, Sicheng. More than a friend.” Sicheng makes a noise of understanding, which is expressed even more on his face, and Jaehyun catches a quick glance at it. He smiles before turning to face the everyone else.

“That makes so much sense now…” Taeyong mumbles to himself. “Jaehyun that’s adorable, what the fuck.”

“You gotta let us meet him one day! I wanna see what the guy looks like for myself,” Ten adds in.

“We’re happy for you dude!” Mark states happily.

Jaehyun ends up blushing so much he’s sure even his feet are flushed a bold shade of pink. “Thanks, you guys.”

“It’s no problem! Now, tell us how it happened.” Ten says with a mischievous grin on his face.

The others begin gathering around Jaehyun, intrigue and mischief clearly written on their faces. Jaehyun jokingly rolls his eyes, before he begins telling them everything, right from the beginning.

 

Taeil finishes cleaning the last table in the diner before wiping the sheen of sweat that’s formed on his forehead. He takes a look around at the place; almost as spotless as ever. He heads back into the kitchen, throwing the dirty rag onto one of the sinks. He grabs his bag from underneath a sink and heads for the exit.

As he walks along the dimly lit sidewalk, his mind begins to wander: what Doyoung has planned for dinner, if Hyeri’s with him as well. Then it shifts to Jaehyun. He didn’t get a chance to talk to him that morning because he had errands to run before his shift at work. He wondered how he’s feeling now, if he’s gotten over his hangover already, if he’s with friends or still holed up in his room.

But those thoughts fade once he’s reached his apartment door and hears muffled laughter through the walls. He quietly turns his key in the doorknob and opens the door even more quietly. He sees Doyoung and Jaehyun sitting at the table, eating takeout. He feels relieved until he opens the door some more to see Hyeri sitting next to Doyoung.

“Oh, hi hyung!” Jaehyun calls once he notices Taeil at the door. “Come sit by me, Doyoung-hyung ordered Thai food tonight!”

Taeil quickly nods, sets his bag down by the couch, and walks over to the seat adjacent to where Jaehyun sits. He places some food onto his plate as he watches everyone else chatting, laughing. It all seems to pass by in a blur, since the next thing he remembers is standing next to Doyoung, helping him wash the dishes.

He passes Doyoung another plate, and his mind starts wandering again. It doesn’t stay on one topic for long, bouncing from idea to idea. From Jaehyun's unusual cheerfulness, to Hyeri’s bright face full of laughter during dinner, to Doyoung occasionally shooting worried looks at him, back to Jaehyun. Then he feels somebody shaking his shoulder to grab his attention.

“Taeil! I said are you okay?”

It’s Hyeri. He looks around. Doyoung’s not at the sink anymore; there’s a mellow noise coming from the living room.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” Taeil manages to reply.

Hyeri removes her hand from Taeil’s shoulder, looking him in the eyes. Something in him causes him to freeze, unable to move away in that moment. Then Hyeri’s turning away and walking into the living room, joining Doyoung’s side on the couch.

Taeil walks out after, seeing Jaehyun sitting on the floor. He looks to where Taeil is, and motions for him to sit next to him. He walks over and sits himself down next to Jaehyun, who’s already started leaning closer to him. Probably for warmth… or comfort, Taeil doesn’t know for sure. But he doesn't linger on it for long and gives in to the feeling, finding himself too tired to move away.

Maybe he should’ve done a double take when he found Jaehyun staring at him, then smiling in an endearing way. But exhaust consumes him first, and Taeil ends up falling asleep on the younger’s shoulder.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


End file.
